So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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