Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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