Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
