It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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