Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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