she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
