you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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