can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
