My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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