Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
