I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
