it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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