I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
