Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
