3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
