If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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