just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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