At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
