Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize