My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
