i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
