if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
