I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
