I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
