May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
