I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize