I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
