why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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