if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
