i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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