I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize