my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I need water and some morals
Randomize