I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
