the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need to stop coming to work sober
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
