the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
