My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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