Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
