You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
