I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
