you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
