Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
