How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
can u get pink eye on your cock?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize