i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
