you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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