She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
