Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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