if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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