Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
