and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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