so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
