and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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