He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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