I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
