Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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