I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
