My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
