I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dick very happy bro
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
