i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
