i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my being single is dangerous.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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