I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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